You deserve the good stuff.
Picture it: November 12, 1916…
If you google this day, nothing totally remarkable happened in the eyes of most. It was a day, a relatively normal day in November. Yet, to our family, it is one of the most remarkable days of all.
Happy 103rd Birthday in Heaven, to my best friend, my soul mate, my confidant, my rock, my Grandma.
I’m a day late because yesterday hit me hard and I couldn’t sit down to write this yet. I’m always flooded with emotion on this day and up until recently, I did a great job of placing a wall to block out all of the potential flood of memories and emotions. Yet, yesterday I let my mind go, I went back in time in memory, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
When my Grandma passed away in 2009, I was a senior in High School nearing the end of my high school career. In the past year what I have been realizing and exploring within myself is the time from that April 2009 until May 2013, because holy cow was it rocky. I was a mess to put it bluntly. I was an expert at putting on a good face, pretending everything was alright, acting strong. For my entire life, I had watched my Grandma be strong, independent, determined, and tough as nails. After she was gone, I felt weak if I cried. I felt like a failure if I couldn’t emulate the characteristics, she had shown in my perception of her all those years. What I never stopped to consider was that my perception may or may not have been reality.
In those years after high school, I did a lot of blaming, secretly. I didn’t really talk to many people about the struggles I was having internally and it took a toll. I blamed myself for adding stress to my Grandma’s life and for not being as accountable as I had always been. The summer before she passed, I went to Ghana, Africa on a Mission’s Trip and it was no secret she did NOT want me to go. After that trip the decline started and to me these factors were not coincidental. This in combination with it being my senior year in high school, lots of events, looking at colleges, knowing that change was coming, all of these things piled together and made me feel like it was my fault that she was gone. In hindsight, I know this sounds a little ridiculous, but if you knew my relationship with my grandmother at all, you would know that we were each other’s right hand, no exaggeration. For years I grappled with questions that I couldn’t and would never be able to answer… what if I had gone to college close by and commuted? Would she have fought harder to feel better if I had promised to stay? What if I had never gone to Ghana? What if I had been there more? What if, What if, What if…….
Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda.
My grandma used to say this a lot. You can’t worry about the coulda, shoulda, woulda… yet here I was beating myself up and tearing myself apart from the inside out for years feeling responsible, guilty, empty, and utterly heartbroken. In those years I fell into patterns, destructive relationships, situations that now make my skin crawl, and dealt with so much that I didn’t deserve. But here’s the secret, inside I was so broken that I truly believed I didn’t deserve any of those good things.
Years later, I look back on that time and wish that I was able to be introspective enough to realize what was going on. I think I did, but I didn’t want to let myself explore any of that because it hurt too much.
SO, if you are someone or maybe know someone who is feeling like they don’t deserve to be happy, like they don’t deserve all the things they once desired, like they don’t deserve to reach their goals, consider that there is probably something going on under the surface that you have no idea about, even if they say they are fine. If you are that person, find supportive loving people and surround yourself with that energy, every single day. If you know that person, be that supportive, loving, positive light in their life every single day.
If you are that person, you deserve to be happy. Don’t waste precious time, like I did, holding yourself hostage and allowing people or situations to take advantage of you because you don’t believe you deserve better. Talk to a friend, talk to a family member, or reach out and talk to someone professionally if you feel it would benefit you, but as much as it hurts, explore those feelings in a safe place. Time is precious and we don’t know how much of it we have, so don’t use it to beat yourself up.
Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda…
This has been a theme in my life. There has never been a time when I couldn’t have used one of these words because I could have done, should have done, or only would have done something BUT enter excuse here. Yesterday, I finally turned that noise off in my head. While I think there will always be a part of me that wrestles with the idea that it is directly my fault, I finally yesterday for the first time made a distinct effort to turn that off and try and think about all the happy, wonderful memories I have of my Grandma. For years, I haven’t let myself think about them much, because even the happy ones hurt.
Yet on my ride to and from school yesterday, I found myself thinking about the time I hung out with my Grandma sitting in the yard waving to cars as they drove by because she had fallen and couldn’t get up, but didn’t want anyone to know. I went to get the snow sled (it was not snowy) and we got her into it and I would try and pull her, but once a car came I better drop to the ground like my life depended on it and wave feverishly to the car going by like nothing was wrong.
I found myself thinking about the Golden Girls episodes, the Young and the Restless, the Hallmark movies. I found myself giggling thinking about the time near the end when I would put in my Golden Girls DVD’s for my Gram to watch when she was in the bed and her grabbing my hand and pulling me close and then half-yelling “Madison… TURN THOSE DAMN GIRLS OFF ALREADY”!
I found myself thinking about the concerts Mason and I would subject her to on the sun porch dancing around to the Mickey Mouse cassette tape or making up our own concoctions on the toy guitars that couldn’t carry a tune.
I found myself thinking about kneading dough for bread and how often I had to be her arms because she couldn’t do things like that anymore.
I found myself thinking about the time that I got electrocuted and she thought it was very funny while putting up Christmas Decorations.
I found myself hearing that old familiar “LOOK AT ME” again in my head.
I found myself sitting at that kitchen table, hearing my Uncles laughter, and her usually yelling at them about something ridiculous that happened.
I found myself hugging her tight and being able to remember her smell and how it felt to be that close to her.
I found myself thinking about all of the times she roped me into doing things I had absolutely no business in even attempting…
I found myself thinking of one such example by doing her hair. I had no idea how to use curlers or pins or put them in effectively or cutting hair. Yet, here the two of us were, in her kitchen, with a lousy little mirror and her barking directions about cut here, roll there, pin this, no that’s not right, try again, etc. Yet, through her guidance, somehow the hair always got done, and somehow didn’t look half bad actually.
I allowed myself to go to a place yesterday that I haven’t been in sometime because I wouldn’t allow myself to go there, it hurt too much. Yesterday though, it still hurt, but it also felt really good. It was like visiting an old friend. I just wish I could have stayed longer, but I look forward to visiting again soon.
In honor of my Gram’s 103rd birthday in Heaven, I wanted to share a little about our story, even some of the ugly, because it shows the value and importance of relationships and time. Time is fleeting and precious. We live in an age where relationships have changed. People are connected through devices and through the internet. We feel like we know people, when we don’t really know them. We see people in public and have not much to say because we feel we have already “shared” things with the world. Times are changing and sometimes it feels like we are losing the power and importance that is found within building relationships.
I challenge you today to reach out to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Maybe it is a friend, maybe it is family, but reach out to that person and plan to get together. Don’t just say “we have to get together”, but make that commitment and plan. Life is short. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to watch it go by from a screen. Make connections, live in the real moment, and be a positive light to someone each day, you never know how much they may need it.
Here’s to pursuing a present, simple life by living intently and always remembering what matters and what doesn’t. Remember to give yourself grace and permission to enjoy the journey. I’m always in your corner, cheering you on, and pulling for you friend! With love always, Madison
