Why a Parent not Always being on Your Team is a Really Good Thing

Hello friend!  Have you ever been questioned or challenged?  I would bet the answer is yes.  In some way, at some point, you have been questioned by someone else or challenged about a statement you made or a belief you have.  We have all been there.  Today on the blog, I explore how my Dad questioning me, challenging me, and at times not being on my team made me a better person.

I have been trying to be very thoughtful about parenting.  I know that we will make mistakes (loads) and as Millie is learning and growing, so are we.  I also know that all of the small interactions we have day in and day out are what will form her world, will shape her perception of so many things in her life, and will contribute to who she is as a person.  No pressure, right?  I want to protect her, love her, and be on her team always.  Yet, today, on my Dad’s birthday, I found myself thinking about him and our relationship over the years.  My Dad wasn’t always on my team, but what I know and appreciate now is he shouldn’t have been and I am so thankful that he wasn’t.

I could give you countless examples, but one in particular comes to mind.  When I was in High School, I played Field Hockey.  Our school district was in a rural area and many local schools didn’t have Field Hockey programs.  Because of this, we ended up traveling a lot, playing much larger schools with better programs, and basically getting our butts handed to us over and over again.  If you haven’t ever been on a losing team like this, let me first say it is absolutely exhausting and completely overwhelming on the frustration scale.  I would come home, day after day, whining and complaining about how hard I was working or how much it stunk to lose constantly.  My Dad would listen, but at the end of our conversations when he would finally speak, he never said what I wanted to hear.  I wanted him to be on my team, I wanted to know that my feelings were validated.  I would argue with him, trying to get him on my side.  Not once did he give me that and I couldn’t be more grateful.

You see, in all those conversations, instead of validating my concerns and playing into my whines, he would challenge me, every stinking time.  When I would whine about us losing 14-0, he would say “Well, what are you going to do to change it?”.  When I would cry because I was so frustrated that I felt like I was working my tail off but nothing was coming of it, he would say “Try harder tomorrow”.  When I felt like a coach was wrong and I was right, he immediately would side with the coach (which was always the right move anyway).  You get the idea.  It was infuriating.  Why didn’t he get it?  Why wasn’t he on my side?

Looking back, I realize now he was, a million percent on my team.  By challenging me and not playing into my complaints and whines, he forced me to step back and reexamine the situation.  Was there something I was missing?  Did I need a new point of view?  How could I try to solve this problem?  This eventually led me to multiple Field Hockey camps, becoming a goalie and attending these camps to try and at least lower the number that we were losing by.  If I could work hard and be a decent goalie, maybe we could lose 5-0 instead of 15-0.  It led me to working harder in school and on the sports fields.  It taught me that things aren’t always just going to come easily to me and that the world isn’t going to care one bit if I whine or complain.  At the end of the day, it is up to me and me alone.  Will I work harder tomorrow?  Will I waste my time by sitting around and complaining about it or will I jump into action, problem solve, and challenge myself? 

All those years, he was setting me up to be on my own.  He knew that eventually, I would be out in the world, without his protection, and I would have to steer my own ship.  He knew that there would be plenty of “coaches” throughout my life who I may not get along with or may not see eye to eye with and I would need to know how to navigate that respectfully and productively.  He knew that I would lose, I would fail, and I would need the grit and determination to take those situations and create something out of them.  He knew that if I didn’t like my situation, I would have to work to change it.  My Dad may not always have been the warm, fuzzy, lovey type Dad, but I know, without a doubt, that all those challenges, all the times it felt like he wasn’t on my team, he was pushing me and trying to help me grow into the person I am today.

Daddy, Happy Birthday.  Thank you for challenging me and pushing me all these years.  I truly believe it has made all the difference.  I love you more than you will ever know.

So, how will you take those challenges and those questions and turn them into a positive?  Do you just need a change in perspective or point of view?  How will you use your time and energy to make a difference?  The whining and complaining never got me anywhere, I bet you find this to be true for you as well. 

Here’s to pursuing a present, simple life by living intently and always remembering what matters and what doesn’t.  Remember to give yourself grace and permission to enjoy the journey.  I’m always in your corner, cheering you on, and pulling for you friend!

With love always, Madison