Sometimes, things just feel heavy.

INTRODUCTION: READ ME FIRST:
I don’t usually do introductions, but for this one I feel like it is necessary. I wrote this post a few weeks back. I went back and forth on posting it and decided not to. I kept envisioning friends sending me messages, worried about me, ready to throw me in a loony bin. I sent the post to a couple BFF’s and after sitting on it awhile, I have decided I need to share this post. Life is hard. It is beautiful, wonderful, amazing, and so much more, but it is also hard. We are pulled in a million different directions every day. We are distracted by technology, the new this or that, keeping up with the Jones’s and so much more. We have never ending means to compare our lives unlike any other time in history. I often think of my Grandparents and how different their lives would have been if they had been born when I was instead. To think about my grandma sitting in her chair browsing Facebook or Instagram while I was trying to be present with her or play with her as a kid is HEARTBREAKING. They lived their lives in a way I admire and envy in ways, and I am constantly thinking about how Millie will view her childhood, how she will view me, how she will view her home, etc. I put an insane amount of pressure on myself and it isn’t kind, it isn’t fair, and it is so often fueled by the “comparison trap”. Sometimes everything just adds up and I get that overwhelmed “heavy” feeling. The feelings that I discuss in this post are feelings that are normal things that I know many other people around me feel. Somedays it just feels like you don’t even know where to begin. How could I possibly figure out keeping this house clean while a toddler runs all over, while also working a job, being involved in my community, being a good wife, etc. etc. etc. There isn’t a “How to Guide” or an “Adulting for dummies” that you are handed when you become an adult so it is unrealistic to think that instantly it should all fall into place.

SPOILER ALERT: You don’t have to do everything. Try your best and forget the rest.

When you read this post know: I am good. I am happy. I feel blessed to live a beautiful abundant life that I continue to work at every day. I know that my problems and concerns are minimal to ones that others face, but I also know that each of us have problems and concerns that could be considered minimal if we compare to others but are very real to us. I know that “figuring it all out” won’t ever happen and you learn as you go, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t strive to find ways to make things smooth or work easier for myself and my family. WELL, that was a far longer introduction than I had planned! Without further adieu, I present to you “Sometimes, things just feel heavy”.

It’s been a long time.  April to be exact.  It’s almost August (GASP!) and truly hard for me to believe that I haven’t made the time to sit down and write anything since the beginning of April.  Why?  I don’t have an answer.  The end of the school year is a crazy time, between that and jumping into summer, graduate school, and more, I guess the time has just passed quickly.  It’s caught up with me though and I want to write about something weighing heavily on my mind and heart today.  Before reading any further, let me clarify, I’m good.  Let me say that one more time…. I AM GOOD.  I don’t need “Are you okay?” text messages, so please, do not reach out because of this blog post.  For the sake of Mom’s everywhere and the mental sanity of people in general who may be feeling these feelings, I wanted to do this post.  I’m not doing this post to cause you to worry, but simply in the hopes that if someone else is just feeling a little heavy today, this might just help them to know they are not alone.

Heavy.  Have you ever just felt like things were weighing you down?  Lots of them?  Maybe only a couple?  But, whatever it is or was that you were going through or struggling with it just felt SO.STINKING.HEAVY.  I’m talking so heavy that you almost feel frozen.  Just thinking about all the things on your to do list or plate sends you into a “I just want to crawl in a hole and hide” frenzy.  You can feel the anxiety creeping in and you just want to shut it all down and go into preservation mode.  Does this sound familiar?  Maybe on a less dramatic scale?  Maybe on an even more pressing scale?  I’d be willing to bet most people know exactly what I mean to some extent or another.  I used to think I knew about this, but then I became a Mom and well, honestly, it has hit an all time high some days. 

Lately, I’ve been on the struggle bus.  Particularly this week to be exact.  Somewhere between the insane amount of Graduate School Work I have due in the next few weeks, making sure Millie is surviving and thriving, trying to be a “present” Mom, trying to be a good wife, thinking about the upcoming school year and ALL that is involved with that (far too much to type), a Kiwanis member (these days not doing well on that front), and you know keep a house that looks somewhat presentable for the human population, and the normal day in and day out activities, I’ve felt pretty lost.  I’ve been getting that “too much to take on” feeling.  The want to ignore the millions of notifications on my phone and emails feeling.  The “shut it all down and hide” feeling.  So, why am I telling YOU?  Because I would be willing to bet you have been there or someone you know has.

I recognize this feeling and honestly, these days I know it well.  Motherhood has been the most beautiful experience of my life, but it has also been the hardest thing mentally and emotionally I have ever experienced.  Most days, it is hard to really express my feelings about it all because it is opening this can of worms that seems never ending.  The reason I decided to write this down is because I have been working on it, piece by piece.  My mom always says “You have to eat the elephant one bite at a time”.  Now, I don’t know why or who is ever eating an elephant BUT the sentiment is fitting.  If you look at an “elephant” or your to do list or challenges, they seem unsurmountable sometimes.  However, if you look at things bit by bit, task by task, or by one single “bite” it seems far less overwhelming.  When I say things feels heavy, it isn’t in a “dark” feelings kind of way, let me make that clear.  Although, that is a real thing that someone you know or maybe even you, right this moment may be facing.  The feelings I’m talking about in this post are the feelings that so many of us face, increasing all the time in the popularized “perfect” world we live in glamorized by things like Instagram and Facebook.  I want to be REAL with you right now, stop falling into the comparison trap.

I’d get these “too heavy”, “too much” feelings and I’d want to clear my mind.  So, naturally, I’d browse Facebook or Instagram or something to that effect on my phone.  YOU GUYS.  If you are reading this and are relating to what I am writing STOP THIS MADNESS!  Immediately, my mind would get foggy and overwhelmed and I didn’t even realize I was doing it to myself!  If I was feeling “too heavy” or “too much” or “where do I even start”, opening up an app to see “Suzy” with her perfect babies, clean house, and all together life IS NOT GOING TO SERVE ME, in fact, it will only make things worse.

SO, if you have ever had these feelings, I encourage you to find a new way to deal with that feeling.  For me, actively turning my phone off has been a beautiful thing.  I’m talking OFF OFF.  I promise the world won’t end.  It’s hard these days with a sweet 1 year old running literally all over the place, trying to eat anything that isn’t food, and who is a climbing dare devil, to find quiet or a way to silence the inner noise.  You may relate to that too (or not), but here are what I hope are some genuine action steps that you could use to help if you ever get these feelings.  This post is opening up a series of posts from me titled Action Assignments.  Each post will highlight a specific area of my life that I am currently working through and maybe just might help you if you are feeling like you don’t know where to start.  It is titled Action Assignments because my hope is that the “Assignments” will allow you to take “Action” on your life and situation. 

Since having Millie, I have felt lost sometimes, unsure of who I am now.  If you have had kids, I would bet you know exactly what I mean.  Hanging out with friends is hard, going out like you used to is hard, doing a load of laundry can sometimes be hard (wait, what?  Yep, for real, not kidding).  Being your own personality like you used to be can even be hard when you are so distracted with trying to keep your sweet babe(s) alive that you can’t even come up with a coherent thought or sentence let alone tackle the million things on your to do list.  These posts will be me, being extremely open and vulnerable, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, it may serve someone else on my journey to “getting it all together” (If you laughed out loud at that, no worries, you are in good company, HA!).  So, stay tuned!  Coming soon, the first couple of posts of this series: “How waking up an hour earlier every day has changed my life” which will focus on morning routines and creating the perfect start to your day and “Automatizing your cleaning” focusing on cleaning routines and how to keep up with it all. 

Until then, I leave you with your first action step.  If you feel “heavy” I encourage you to find a quiet spot and give yourself space and permission to explore that feeling.  Start writing it down, do a mind dump.  Is it cleaning your house?  Graduate School?  Work?  Something your kiddos have going on?  Outside projects around the house?  Being more involved in a group or organization or activity?  What is weighing on you right now?  Once you have identified what is creating this feeling (and it may be all the things added together), then and only then can you move forward.  For me personally, mine was a combination of things and really it was more of a management issue that was then creating lots of other issues and feelings, which I think will make more sense with the posts to come.  So, if you are feeling like you don’t even know where to begin or are feeling a little lost, start there.  What is feeling heavy?  Why does it feel heavy?  In what way would you like things to be different?  Once you have started that process, then you can start to make a change or changes.  Be kind to yourself, the way you think and the words you use in your own head about yourself and your life matter.  Remember, no one is as perfect as they present to the public and no one has expectations for you or your life as high as your own.  Let’s face it, I’m the only one stressing about whether or not the laundry was in the basket for an extra day or two instead of in the closet/dresser where it belongs.  Chin up buttercup, it might feel heavy sometimes, but you are beautiful, important, and strong.  Don’t get caught in a pity party, buckle up and let’s get to work!

Here’s to pursuing a present, simple life by living intently and always remembering what matters and what doesn’t.  Remember to give yourself grace and permission to enjoy the journey.  I’m always in your corner, cheering you on, and pulling for you friend!

With love always, Madison