Give yourself permission.
I have struggled to sit down and write anything lately. Mainly, I’d say it would be due to school starting back up and the stress of a new school year and life things in general. However, if I sit down and really look to the truth of why I’m not writing… I know it is something else entirely.
Lately, writing has felt scary. Ever since Millie was born, I’ve been on a journey and it hasn’t been Motherhood. Well, frankly, I guess I have been on that too, but not what I am currently referring too. After having Millie, in all of the moments that I was force to “be still” I had a realization. My entire life, I had been running. That was my coping skill. If I just stayed in motion, if I just was busy enough, whatever I was struggling with or facing couldn’t catch up. Easy theory, right?
WRONG.
I had kept myself so busy that for over a decade of my life I had been internalizing and choosing not to process. If I am honest with myself, and you, the reason it has been so hard to write is because I’ve been so afraid to share authentically about the journey that I have been on. Lately though, the realization has hit me that there have to be other people, someone else out there who has gone or is going through the same thing. Choosing to be silent and to make myself small not only doesn’t serve me but it also goes against everything that I wanted for this blog. Back to having Millie…
So, now staring down at a precious, tiny, wonderful little human and not being able to “busy” myself like I always had, it felt like the world was crashing down around me.
*** Now, disclaimer, before I get a pile of messages about me being okay or not being okay, I AM OKAY. I was not, nor am currently depressed… BUT, I need to be brutally honest here, because if I had just had any kind of inclination that I am not the only one who has dealt with trauma and issues in their life in this “busy” coping skill way, GOSH that would have made all the difference. I am willing to be blunt, honest, and raw here if it will benefit someone else. ***
As I felt the world crashing down around me, I realized something that I had always pushed way down deep internally before… I could never be the person, the wife, the mom I was born to be without showing up for myself and doing the work.
MAN. There is something about the realization that it is all your choice that slaps you right upside the head.
Here was the truth. I could sit and save quotes from Pinterest, I could make deep proclamations about the “way things should be”, I could have all kinds of ideals and intentions and hopes and dreams, but if I weren’t willing to sit down and do the work internally for myself… I could never truly grow or heal.
See, our scars are funny things. We don’t like to draw attention to them. Even the most open of people (myself included) have secrets, scars, and struggles that only a tiny handful of people or no one else know. Personally, I have internally not wanted any ownership of these scars. Why would I want to take that on? So much of what has happened in our lives wasn’t always directly by our own doing. Sometimes it was, but sometimes it was circumstances, experiences, people, etc. that we had limited control over. My deepest darkest scars were no fault of my own, but the reality is they are still there and by ignoring them and hoping magically they go away or heal on their own does not serve me or help me get to where I want to be.
In the months after having Millie, internally it was a tough realization that I couldn’t be who I wanted to be for her without doing the work in all areas of my life, even the toughest to look at (the scars). So, I began. That journey has been rocky to say the least. There have been breakthroughs and realizations, but also down times when I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror because the scars were too hard to face that day.
And you know what I learned through this time? It’s okay.
Showing up for yourself and doing the work for yourself is okay. That means that some days aren’t going to be filled with bright shiny rainbows and happy dances. That means that some days will feel so heavy you just want to break down and cry. That means that sometimes you have to let go of people in your life who don’t align with where you are heading. That means giving yourself permission to heal, permission to let go, and permission to move forward.
That last one might be the toughest one for me. Looking back, I now realize that for years I was looking for permission. I was looking for permission to let go of all that had led to those scars. I was looking for permission to forgive myself for things that I should have never felt guilt over to begin with. I was looking for permission to move forward without so many things weighing and holding me down.
Spoiler alert… no matter how much I looked for permission, no matter who I looked to for that permission, no matter how many people were in my corner, the only person who could ever give that permission to me… was myself.
Over 2 years later and there are still days that are just rough. No rhyme or reason, my brain just won’t stop. This past year has been the toughest. With quarantine and COVID-19 happening right about the time I was finally giving myself permission to let go, the “busy” stopped again and the train came totally derailed. Since quarantine began, it has been a constant string of heavy things.
But here’s what no one tells you… growth is messy. It isn’t just the highlight reel of progress and things moving in a good direction. To truly grow, heal, and step into the person you are made to be, it gets REAL messy. The process is imperfect because we are all imperfect too. I have big dreams, big goals, and big plans and I’m not going to get there if I shrink, stay busy, and stay small for the sake of not rocking the boat or dealing with my scars and anything that is holding me back. Friend, neither are you.
Why are we so afraid?
Why do we shrink?
Why do we make ourselves small?
Why do we so often suffer in silence?
Why don’t we give ourselves the permission to live the life we so deserve?
I don’t know all the answers and I will never pretend to, BUT I do know that if there is something that keeps you awake at night. If there are scars that you have pushed down so deep hoping you’d never have to confront them. If days just feel heavy. If you know that you want things to change or want to go for your goals…
Do the work, friend. I promise you, it will make all the difference. Find someone or a group of people you trust. Journal. Go for a walk or run. Talk those feelings out. Process however you need to, but please don’t stay small. Give yourself permission to grow. Give yourself permission to let go. Give yourself permission to become all of the things that you were put on this Earth to be.
Life can be tough, but we only have a finite number of moments and we must do the work so that we can enjoy them before they are gone.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve the love that you so freely give to everyone else, trust me.
Here’s to pursuing a present, simple life by living intently and always remembering what matters and what doesn’t. Remember to give yourself grace and permission to enjoy the journey. I’m always in your corner, cheering you on, and pulling for you friend!
With love always, Madison
