Ask for Help.
Help.
Why is it SO hard for me to ask for help?
I guess I know why… and if this is hard for you, I bet if you think long and hard you will find your why too.
I grew up spending a whole lot of time with my Grandma, being her “right hand”. During all of those years I listened to the stories about the Great Depression… like about walking to the “crick” and breaking the ice to get pails of water before they had running water. I heard about raising four boys. I heard about cleaning houses and finding jobs that were nearby where my Grandpa would work since she couldn’t drive and they only had one car. I could go on and on about this for a long time… but the moral of the story, the spark notes version if you will, is that I learned from an early age that help was a bad thing.
NOW, if my Grandma were reading this right now, I know she would grab me by the face, yell “LOOK AT ME” and be pretty ticked that I just typed those words… but perception is reality, and my reality was WOW, this incredible tough bird I look up to… man, she could do it all. It has taken me years to wrestle with this, years of wishing I had been older when we spent time together, and years for me to wish I had asked tough questions, but when you are trying to figure out how to “perm” your Grandma’s hair at 13 you have more immediate fish to fry.
In this early stage of my life, of being married and being a mom, I am quickly learning that there are two options here…
- My Grandma was a better woman than I will ever hope to be or could be…. SUPER WOMAN.
OR
- She asked for help, but that part just didn’t make it into her stories.
Guys… for the people in the back, PLEASE READ THAT LAST SENTENCE AGAIN.
If you know me… or my family… or my relationship with my Grandma… or were paying attention earlier in this post, you will remember I used the phrase “right hand”. She literally called me that… because I helped her, pretty much all the time. SHE DID ASK FOR HELP. Did she ask for help in those earlier years? YES, she must have. Are stories as whimsical or glamorous when you are talking about the help you had to do something or get somewhere? Of course not! Now, I don’t know why it has taken me 11 years to get this through my head, but just because her asking for help looked different than the help I need and just because her situation looked vastly different than mine, does not mean that I am any less or not enough.
You, yes, I am talking to you… YOU are YOU for a reason. You might be too much for some people or feel not enough for other’s in their presence, but in your heart of hearts… deep down into your soul, you need to know for YOU and only YOU that you are enough. It is okay to ask for help. Help looks different to everyone, but know that it is okay. Give yourself permission to ask for help. Allow yourself some grace, let go of your own personal pressures, and get the help you need, in whatever way you need it.
I am so bad at this. On the surface level, I do okay…
Hey, Mom, can you watch Millie so we can go out to dinner?
Hey, Jenna, can I borrow your Rocket Math worksheet to make an extra copy?
Hey, Ray, can you look into this for me?
Hey, Katherine, I just need to talk can we chat for a minute?
Hey, Lydia, can we stay with you guys if we come down there instead of getting a hotel?
You get the idea… surface level. No real depth here guys.
In reality, the idea of asking for help any deeper than on the surface shuts me down completely. I am talking train full bore coming to an abrupt halt.
Why?
Why is it so hard for me to admit that I need help?
Everyone that I have ever known who has been successful has had help in some way. Maybe not in every way, but in some way. So why do I constantly beat myself up?
I’m still working on that answer… and I have learned that is okay.
Progress, not perfection.
In the meantime, I am trying to work on this. Can I go out to lunch with friends? YES. Do I need to ask for help in this season in life to be able to do that? YES. Is that okay? ABSOLUTELY YES! Not only is it okay, but it necessary to my mental sanity and I am a better Mom and Wife if I go. Is Ray putting pressure on me about this? No. Is my Mom, or Ray’s Mom, or whoever is watching Millie, putting pressure on me about this? No.
The only person who is putting pressure on me is myself.
Ouch.
For years, I have struggled with this. I have struggled with expectations (for myself and others). I have struggled with holding myself to impossible standards and then feeling defeated if I can’t reach them. This has served me well in many areas of my life, but when it comes to things that are personal and close to the cuff, I don’t think it is serving me at all.
In 10 days it is my birthday and I start a “new trip around the sun”. I am making a promise to myself right now, and to all of you that I am going to try and make a conscious effort to be careful about the expectations I have for my self and the tone of the voice in my head.
If you haven’t read “Girl, Stop Apologizing” by Rachel Hollis, you really should, but there is a section in her book that hit me square over the head in relation to this topic and it says:
“Friends, your struggles don’t mean that you’re weak; they mean you’re human. Your inexperience doesn’t mean you won’t succeed, it just means you haven’t yet. Stop pretending. Stop faking it. Stop suffering in silence. Stop setting yourself up as a martyr. Stop taking it all on alone and then feeling bitter about it. Stop wasting your time on activities you hate as penance for the time you want for yourself.
You cannot do enough loads of laundry to make your husband support your dream. You cannot volunteer enough hours at church to make your sister understand your goals. You cannot earn your way to autonomy over your own life- it’s a human right you were granted when you became an adult. If you need to, when you need to, raise your hand and ask for help, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.
There are a hundred ways to learn to swim and one very easy way to drown, and that is by being unwilling to admit you’re drowning in the first place.”
FRIENDS, don’t drown. Slow down, learn yourself, and start raising your hand. Help looks different to everyone and everyone’s different lives/situations. Don’t be like me, don’t try and be a martyr. Don’t take it all on alone and then feel bitter about it. You were created for more. In this one life, this ONE life, don’t allow your own worries, perceptions, and fears dictate the life you want to live for yourself and/or for your family. YOU, my dear sweet friend, are enough… and that is true especially when you ask for help. Chin up buttercup, life is tough, but so are you.
Here’s to pursuing a present, simple life by living intently and always remembering what matters and what doesn’t. Remember to give yourself grace and permission to enjoy the journey. I’m always in your corner, cheering you on, and pulling for you friend! With love always, Madison
