An Open Letter to my Mom on My Birthday
Hello Friends! I wrote this on my birthday and for the first time I have a completely different outlook on this day. I like to think I am pretty reflective and thoughtful most of the time, so it has always been on my radar that my Mom and I share this special day. However, after having a baby of my own, I will never look at this day the same way. I knew I needed to take some time today to share this letter with my mom, and the world, because I appreciate her in a way that I know will only continue to grow over time.
Dear Mom,
Today is my 28th birthday. Somehow to me that number feels crazy. In some ways it feels like just yesterday I was on the swings in the backyard, going to school for the first time, dancing and playing a bunch of sports, learning to drive, graduating from high school and heading to college, student teaching and graduating from college, and falling in love, getting married, and moving into a house, like a big girl, without you in it (but thankfully next door).
After having a baby of my own 8 months ago, I now realize that to you, that number must feel impossible. As kids, birthdays are a huge deal. It is our day after all. Ours, just ours, which is why presents are a necessity and making a big deal of ourselves is definitely part of the plan. As I look ahead to our daughter’s first birthday, I can only imagine the severe denial that comes with having a child hit any birthday. Her birthday will always be about her, but as her Mom I now think about how it will be for me too. As I watch her go through so many firsts this first year, I try to imagine magnifying that into even bigger things like watching her drive away on her own for the first time or watching her build her own life, without me in it. I know these days will fly by way too fast and I desperately try to soak in each moment before it is gone. As I think about all of those things, I have an even larger appreciation for you Mom.
I think about all the tears that you shed over the years when those big moments would come and I wouldn’t understand why you weren’t happy. I know now that you were, but in each of those happy and wonderful moments for me there was still a little sadness for yourself. I think about the day I was born and what a life altering, beautiful, incredibly painful (let’s be honest you win that award), exciting, terrifying day that was for you. I now appreciate looking into the eyes of a brand-new tiny baby and realizing that you are the person who is responsible for taking care of it in all ways. I appreciate the absolute paralyzing fear when you realize that you have no idea what you are doing and praying to God that you will figure it out sooner rather than later. I appreciate the sacrifices, the sleepless nights, the way you feel completely removed from your own body for awhile afterwards, the way you look at yourself in the mirror with disgust and awe all in the same thought, the way you can’t remember when the last time you were able to shower was in the early days, and the unimaginable, unending, deep, incredible love for someone so tiny who you have only just met. Mom, I am writing this to let you know I see you.
Even though I was a tiny baby who couldn’t do anything for herself, now as a grown woman I see and appreciate all those seasons you went through. I know now how lucky I am to have you as a Mom. I now appreciate the early days when nursing sessions meant zero sleep but you did it anyway because that’s just what mommy’s do. With a daughter who is 8 months old, I know I only have a tiny taste of appreciation of all the seasons to come, but know that in every moment, every new first, every little laugh, every step, every smile, I think about you and I, and I love you and appreciate you in a deeper way each time.
Throughout the years, I know that I will only feel this feeling in more situations and more deeply and I pray that we will be together to share it all. So, on this 28th birthday, thank you. Thank you for going through 9 months of pregnancy, an insanely hard and painful labor/delivery, and for loving, cherishing, and nurturing me for the past 28 years. I am insanely blessed to have you in my life and I promise I will forever be thankful for each opportunity you have given me throughout the years.
Cheers to us, because this isn’t my day, it is ours, and there is no one on this planet I would rather share it with.
I love you, all ways, always, endlessly, and far more than you will ever know,
(and I know now that I will never understand the depth of your love for me, just as my daughter will never be able to truly fathom mine for her, so instead of it being a contest… just know that I love you with every single fiber of my being and I know that you do too)
—Your little Punk XOXO
To the world: Here’s to pursuing a present, simple life by living intently and always remembering what matters and what doesn’t. Remember to give yourself grace and permission to enjoy the journey. I’m always in your corner, cheering you on, and pulling for you friend!
With love always, Madison
